Lately nothing has really upset me. Things happen and others assume it would bother me, and it would be human if those things did. But I just smile and say I don’t really mind, its not that big of a deal. And I mean it full hearted. They don’t upset me or hurt me or even put a dent in my happiness. Because they are little things. I can’t say it was an over night change. It was a few different things that have caused this mentality and heart to unfold. One: being torn between what I wanted to make me happy, and not trying to fight for what was only causing me pain. It was letting go and deciding to put myself first in my life. Not putting some one first and hoping they would do the same. Because that never could have satisfied me. Someone told me many times “you have to love yourself.” And I really think I use to depend on how someone else loved me to decide my value. Which led to the second: while holding a knife to my wrist and waiting for someone to tell me to live. Asking them to just say the words so that I would have a reason. And when they said no, that they wouldn’t tell Me to live I was dumbfounded. And in that moment I realized I had to be my own reason. And instantly I wanted to be enough for myself. Third (these things didn’t happen in this order) being in the truck that flipped in that field and letting go, relaxing my body and being thrown around, thinking I was letting go of life and accepting that. And when I realized I was alive -seizing life, caring for others, and pulling myself from that wreckage. I literally laughed I felt victorious! I felt alive! And I realized I love life, I love my life! And fourth, the most important: opening my heart again to God. Not doubting he could love me, but ASKING him to let me feel his love inside of myself. And once I did that I felt whole and I felt like I was enough because he loves me. And knowing he loves me made me love myself. Because I shouldn’t be enough but I am. I am who he created and who he wants and who he will always love no matter what. And then tonight I find myself in pure bliss and I felt free. I realize I see the past for what it was, and not just what it felt like to me. But also the good it made me feel. I found i am not resentful. I see that I didn’t feel anyone loved me enough because they couldn’t do for me what only God is capable of which is make me worthy of any love. And just because people arent perfect, and hurt you, and make mistakes didn’t discount all of the good they have done. Just because they can’t be perfect in their love didn’t make it fake. And I forgave them all. I see that everyone is hurt in their own way. and I love them all regardlessly.
The more time that goes by the less I miss him. It is easier to forget that I ever had some one to miss. If ever I am reminded it’s when I go to bed and picture him laying there. Although it’s only my imagination and he can only be found in my head he seems so real to my eyes. But even that happens rarely now. If he does leak into my thoughts I force my self to remember that he is not who I imagine, that he never was. I must have put my needs onto him. That is why my expectations for him were so high, so impossible for him to reach. It was unfortunate for both involved. I couldn’t change what I needed and he could never fulfill them. And as abrasive as it is to force yourself to acknowledge it the realization helps sooth over all the scratches left from the struggle. Life is in hind sight better without that constant struggle. Love should never be what it had been for me and him. And if there is one thing I’m certain he does wish for me its that I don’t have to struggle like that anymore. Because it would lead to the death of me. Not while I’m fighting in it. But afterwards, when I’m alone, and “love” failed. When all my fight is gone because I gave it all away. That’s always when I’m closest to death. Its that feeling alone that makes me so sure Its not right to keep fighting for him. And through that I realize I had to start fighting for myself. Because when I finally accepted he could not love me I decided I would love me.
We are waiting eight months before we will be back together. 8 months so you can get a job and get your stuff together. 8 months before you even let the stress us being together affect you and in those 8 months I’m going to be doing me I’m going finish a semester of school I’m going to rediscover myself as an individual meaning without another person I told you I’d be faithful to you that I’d wait for you and you said you’d do the same you’re not saying you love me just yet and that’s very confusing because if you’ll wait for me for 8 months and come to Texas for me and attempt insanity for 3 years then you must love me these 8 months are not going to be me trying to make us work because without me knowing myself it can’t work another person will not be my focus and I’m afraid after these eight months us not needing each other will lead to us not wanting each other. That scares me but the positive thing about that is if we don’t want each other after this time and maybe there will be pain in not having one another. I’m not sure if you want me you said that you do but there’s been plenty of times where I accepted the idea of us without logically thinking it was a good idea because all I want it’s a love you the way that I loved you I work on forgiveness. Forgiveness might mean letting go totally. 8 months is a long time. eight months is starting now.