My Empire of Dirt.

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Eight months starting now

We are waiting eight months before we will be back together. 8 months so you can get a job and get your stuff together. 8 months before you even let the stress us being together affect you and in those 8 months I’m going to be doing me I’m going finish a semester of school I’m going to rediscover myself as an individual meaning without another person I told you I’d be faithful to you that I’d wait for you and you said you’d do the same you’re not saying you love me just yet and that’s very confusing because if you’ll wait for me for 8 months and come to Texas for me and attempt insanity for 3 years then you must love me these 8 months are not going to be me trying to make us work because without me knowing myself it can’t work another person will not be my focus and I’m afraid after these eight months us not needing each other will lead to us not wanting each other. That scares me but the positive thing about that is if we don’t want each other after this time and maybe there will be pain in not having one another. I’m not sure if you want me you said that you do but there’s been plenty of times where I accepted the idea of us without logically thinking it was a good idea because all I want it’s a love you the way that I loved you I work on forgiveness. Forgiveness might mean letting go totally. 8 months is a long time. eight months is starting now.

I don’t know what to do when you get back but every action your making is making it harder on us when you do come home. I can’t tell you anything while your gone because it won’t help. And I’m trying to help us. I’m still playing for the team. And your only playing for yourself.

I have major seperation issues

I’m afraid of not feeling the way I once did about you. I use to brag about how amazing you were. How great of friends we were. How we could spend weeks together. How I could talk to you about anything. How out of this world sex was. How kissing you took my breath away. And I could put my life on it you would never do certain things to hurt me. But now… we hardly talk. And if we do it’s because we are “suppose”to. We can’t even spend one day together without you telling me to leave. I don’t even want to open up to you anymore. I choose not to. And during sex I cant get out of my mind to enjoy it. Kissing is fine. Now that I said something about it. I’m just worried that us staying together would turn into something loveless. And I never thought that was a possibility for us before. We use to have romance in our relationship. And dinner dates where you would cook and I would clean. We would play around and you wouldn’t get mad when I’d soak you with the kitchen sink. I’m trying to love you in a true and right way. And I know that throughout the years being committed isn’t always about being in love. But I miss being captivated. Interested. Excited. I miss feeling like you’re captivated, interested, and excited to. I feel like I can’t tell you any of this because I’m just trying to show you I’m not emotional. But literally im starting to lose my emotions towards things.

I’m not going after all

Things might not be going how I had planned. How I had hoped. But I’m glad that I had my dreams to push me through this last year. If I didn’t have goals I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed. The thought of getting out of this town is what made my life in it worth living. I think that’s why God put the opportunity in my grasp. But God must have another plan for me. I trust that I am where I am suppose to be for his purpose. I am at his disposal.

I really don’t want to care about you. But you’re making it hard

When I smoke I think I know things

Right now the world seems cheap I think that is because it is in reality. we see the world by how it makes you feel shoes, clothes, cars, and jewelry all can make you feel like you exist. like it’s the best thing that you can receive to make yourself matter. but in reality all of it is stuff. We feel that the more stuff we have, we as individuals become more significant, compared to those who have less. It is true that you see yourself as someone higher up than a bum who has nothing. its all part of societys plan to make you buy into worldly possessions so that they become richer and ultimately -better themselves. In reality we are all equal, and nothing can make you better than anyone else. No matter how valuable society decides they are entitled to rate you. And nothing on earth can satisfy your need to be relevant. Look to higher things for your fufillment .

Some day someone might wonder about something I wrote.


My mood.

*falling over in public then everyone looks at you*
I’m all fetus today.

To feel or not to feel

I’m already tired of emotion.

You make me feel.

I tried so hard for so long to keep everything locked away. Not to feel one simple thing. not to shed a single tear. not to miss three special words. I kept these things beneath the surface, locked inside my heart. But in your presence as soon as I heard those three special words I shed more than just one single tear and felt Many complicated things. All that was submerged breached my conscious. In your absence I learned new things like how to be numb, how to make the pain subside. But in your absence I forgot many things. How to feel. how to love.

"Don’t call me beautiful
i don’t care
call me intelligent
tell me my laugh is contagious;
that i made you smile
tell me i have something to offer"

- (via whitebeyonce)

(Source: alert, via yoursforever41)