- Unknown (via sweetsweetsmile)
The other day was like a nightmare. I hadn’t felt that way in a long time, but I remember I would feel that way everyday. I realize that I don’t normally feel, not past a certain point at least. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, the healthies, and yet I don’t feel much. So when I actually opened up my mind two days ago, and let the memories spill out, I was overwhelmed with emotion. And I did not like it. All I could feel was betrayal, disappointment, sadness, and anger. I just don’t understand how someone could take what he took from me, how none noticed what was so apparent, and how I could share my pain with my most trusted friend and them betray that trust, and share my hardship with someone else. I cried for the first time in a long time, a real uncontrollable sob. And I wanted to call my best friend.but I realized that he wasn’t someone I could count on, and then i thought maybe I could give him another chance to love me like he said he did, but then i realized how stupid that was which made me angrier and more sad. So eventually I shoved all of the bad memories back in my head and don’t think im ready to open it up yet. All this time I was wondering why I can’t love, and I realize it’s because I can’t feel,I can’t trust. So I’m giving it up to God. He’s never let me down
I always lay in bed at night and can never sleep, all my desires run through my head, the type of woman I hope to be, the people I want to help, and the feelings I want to feel. If i don’t feel ANYTHING i do feel passionate about myself and the foot print I’m going to leave behind. I feel like I fake emotion so often that when I feel it it’s shocking, and undeniably present. I would say I can’t wait to grow up and live , but I’m already living! I’ve already been doing things I want to do. It’s strange because even as I do these things I always hear someone in the back of my head telling me I’m juvenile and naive to thing I’m making an impact in anyone’s life , and It might be true but I’m changing MY life and that’s more than I thought I could ever do. So I don’t need anyone telling me what I great kid I’ve become, or a strong woman I’m proud of myself!
If I need you? Dude if I ever needed you I’d rather die, that’s how low I think of you. For me to need you it would mean that I need someone who is a total disappointment in every way, a fucking shallow empty coward who will probably never be anything different . For me to need you it would mean I would be condoning all of the bullshit that spills out of your fake egotistic mouth. I don’t even see how I could even love someone who is the way you are, which is why I don’t think I’ve really loved you for a very long time. Your manipulative and your not even very good at it anymore because I don’t give a fuck what you want, I’m not going to be a stay at home mom and “live off your success” what success? Being a fucking fein for any type of substance that actually makes you capable of feeling good? Fucking be a better person to someone, ANYONE. Just ONCE and you might feel good. I don’t hate you but you disgust me.
- Nina LaCour, Hold Still (via theflowershop)
Wow it’s three in the morning and I just had this super strange epiphany. I’m not even sure if it counts as an epiphany or if it’s more than that. But my heart just did this super strange thing where it was beating super fast, and almost was equivalent to extreme sadness but the exact opposite, happiness so great it was scary to finish my breathe because I was afraid that when my lungs finished inhaling they would just give out, and this strange bodily ordeal happened when I pictured me and you dancing ..? We never have danced, we probably will never dance , and we are just friends. So what the heck? The epiphany part is that I haven’t had that feeling in a long time, and I had before when I was actually in love. That feeling isn’t butterflies or crush- anything . This is weird I’m very freaked out , I’m going to go have a cigarette now and think more about you to see if anything else abnormal happens.